My friend Linda who passed away a couple of months ago, her birthday was today. I emailed her husband Rich to let him know I was thinking about her today and he said he was wondering how I was doing today too. I am getting older and should start getting use to losing friends but that does not make it any better or easier.

For the last 2 weeks I have had both my daughters and their 2 children. My oldest daughter I haven't had for a long time and will be remaining here for awhile but my youngest Cindy has been with me (in her own home) for the last 5 years and during that time has been helping me with things. She has moved back to Califonria so she was her for a vacation but it was a mad house and everything I asked of the kids Cindy countered and ignored me. She played video poker all day finally I told her to leave. But to get even with me she left the morning my sister was flying in and now my sister feels bad because she was looking forward to seeing Cindy and family. I just can't win.

Even taking my pills sometimes when I don't get to rest all day and the noise level is high the pills just don't work. I feel like I am going crazy.

Anyway my sister is here and we have been having fun. We went to craft stores today and got a jigsaw puzzle. and tomorrow we are working on some pictures I want to hang. Maybe some scrapbooking. On Thursday night we are going to a Comedy Club and dinner out. But the best is I am going to learn to make Enchildas tomorrow. Now I may have to cook occasionally after this week.

Missing you

It has been a couple of weeks since I have been here talking to you. Life seems to be getting fanatic yet I am not doing anything. Oh, I am changing bedrooms around again and doing my quilting but nothing to get famous or special. It is so funny because when I am off my meds I am so maniac and my writing is so much more colorful.

My oldest daughter is arriving on the 10th and I am looking forward to her arrival except she wants to hug me all the time. I am not a hugger. But we will come to a medium I hope.

I was thinking about my friend Linda today. It is hard being without her, it is not that I saw her all the time or even talk to her on the phone very often. It is knowing she was there and now she is not.

It is Ryan 12th Birthday

My grandson Ryan turned 12 today and I am not with him. I have been at his first 11 birthdays but not this one. Cindy my daughter, Ryan's mother, tells me it is ok he has plenty of birthdays and no big deal it is not one of the great ones. But I have been around the the birth of my two oldest grandchildren even cutting the umbilical cord. The next two I was there within a couple hours (they were not living with me anymore) but still there. I am lonely for Ryan, oh he is a real boy and certainly does not need his nana but I need him. When they lived across the street in a bigger house than mine, I could watch Ryan riding his bike, skateboard, scooter or whatever was in that year. Lauren is home but I feel my grandchildren and Children benefit being near their parents. Kids are happier when they have the extended family. Talk about extended families, when all of us lived in California, one Christmas eve we all went to Cindy's home. In my car I had my sister, Paula, Jose, Clint, Lauren, John and myself. At Cindy's was her father, my ex, his wife Kelly, James, Nicole and little Ricky plus Cindy, Jack, Ryan and Samantha. That is an extended family. But for some reason John got mad and was driving down their hill very fast and scared everyone so we will not be doing that again.

I am back on my meds as I have said before and I have no creativity and can not concentrate on anything. But I will keep trying must get my quilting done have a class on Monday and would at least get it cut out.

Brady my doctor thinks there maybe a tear in my knee so Monday early afternoon I have to have a MRI. I just love MRI--lol--I get so frightened but they are going to give me air, wet washcloth and go in backwards so my head sticks out. I hope it works otherwise I will have to go to the hospital for it and they charge so much money.

Well I am hot and must adjust the air conditioner and head to my bedroom. Tomorrow they will be spraying for the huge bugs. I am moving furniture again tomorrow.

Just another Day in the Life of a Crazy Person

As I had stated before this weekend (now over) was my oldest daughter's 40th birthday. Julianne is so much like me sometimes it is noisy and reminisced of my kids growing up. A lot of noise and hard for 5 people to make decisions. And of course you should raise your hand to be heard otherwise you really don't get heard. But it was wonderful having Julianne here. Having her visiting so much is so great now. It seems through Lauren gets a different attitude when her mom is here. Talks back to me and is grumpy with Julianne. And it is a lot for John to deal with too. Everyone wants me on their side forgetting I have a side too. I don't always agree with anyone the truth is I never agree with anyone.

I have been working on a flying geese quilt for my husband for the summer, it is really light not like his winter one which is really heavy. Now aren't you glad I explained that. John doesn't really like color and it seems very dull but I am here to please. I made a flying geese quilt just black and white and it is gorgeous if I say so myself, I am so worried about quilting it because I might ruin it. I want to give it to a friend of Julianne and myself who just lost her husband. Makes me think about my losses: Linda, my mom and Ron my brother, aunt Marge and her son Bret. Being next to my boss 16 years ago when a man killed with 6 shots to his face. Julianne's husband died of a heart attack in 1994 which is the same year as my boss and Ron. Crazy year. My grandparents were around my whole childhood and on into my adult years, They were around for mine and my sister's children. My brothers children Jake and Nick were raised by their mother who is a gold digger. The only great-grandparent they visited with was the Davis' because they had money. And kissed her ass. And of course when she died she left them the same share I got. My grandmother was so fair--yea right. She could never tell when someone was kissing her butt she just thought everyone loved her so much. Bull shit-My sister and Julianne are the only ones who really loved her just for her. Grandmother was maliputive, talked behind peoples backs. When someone we both knew died she wouldn't tell me because she didn't want anyone taking the love away from her. The love was already gone.

My husband just came in with his stupid statements. It is Sunday night and he wants to know when the garbage goes out. I tell him tomorrow then he gets mad because he doesn't know if that means it gets picked up tomorrow or goes out tomorrow. We have been living here over 5 years and every Monday I fight with John because he can't remember. He doesn't remember anything and it eats at me more every year more and more. It just brings me to tears. He gets mad and says I either didn't answer him or I never told him. If it wasn't for my grandchildren I don't know if I could continue, it just seems everything in my life is getting harder and harder.

Julianne's 40th Birthday

Today is the day that a mother really is not prepared for no matter how many times she says 'age never bothers me' but deep down inside it does. I admit I do not mind being 60 but to have a daughter who turned 40 it is hard. I have great children but I feel so old and when I look in the mirror it is not me looking back. My kids even look a lot like me also, I feel so bad for them because I look like my grandmother Davis and that is sad really sad. When my daughter, Julianne came for the weekend she brought another grandchild, Ruthanne, She is going to be 13 in July along with another granddaughter, Samantha who will be 16 in July. My youngest daughter or oldest granddaughter, Lauren will be 20 and just ended her 2nd year in college--now I really am ancient. It seems so weird, all my sisters kids and mine were born within months of each other but my children have grown or almost grown children and my sister just had her 2nd grandchild. But I love babies and can't wait to see Clint's baby girl, Isabella. The pictures show how beautiful she looks but I want to hold. My sister is bringing, Clint's boy Marco whom I love dearly, when she comes in July, I wonder if Clint and Veronica will let her bring Isabella too. Probably not. Ruthanne is sleeping (or trying) in my computer room so I probably should log off. Happy Birthday Julianne. Love you!

Thursday, the Day before Friday--WoW

It is really late but I just had to talk about my day. Last night my Julianne called and said she was free and out of trouble but I just couldn't get excited, she had said she was free and then some bureaucrat would change their minds (and I use minds very loosely). But her birthday is tomorrow and we will celebrate as soon as she gets here. We are going to eat out, go shopping and buy groceries. Maybe get pedicures.???? Today was rough I am still working on switching the rooms around so Julianne has a bedroom when she is here and company has an extra room when and if they are here. It is a lot of work and I have not asked John to help because I just switched rooms around before when I thought no one wanted me anymore. Always be careful what you wish for--just kidding-absolutely love my kids.

Again, every time I say some of the pictures with Linda in them or the little collector items she had given me the sadness would be there again. I tell everyone do not put off tomorrow what you can do today but I still have not finished the letter I am writing my Aunt Dorothy. I must do that, she is the only older family left. Her sisters (my mom and my aunt Marge) are gone now and just within a couple of years apart and with the same pancreatic cancer. Very scary.

I was watching Bones to night and they just are not following the author Kathy Reich, her books are nothing like the TV series. I feel Patricia Caldwell's Dr Scarbetta is closer and for some stupid reason it surprises me the TV program keeps crediting Kathy Reich??????

Well I am off to finish the last couple of chapters I have left in my book.

Wednesday Strikes Again

I am still having problems making it through the day. Everything reminds me of Linda and I keep thinking about calling Rich but I don't need to be bothering him. I am staying away from people and trying just to concentrate on my quilts.

I have been without my meds for almost a week and feel I am doing ok. My meds are so expensive I have to wait until payday on Friday. The one thing I like about not taking my meds is feeling manic. My projects are getting done, like my husbands music quilt for the summer and my homework project for a quilting class I am taking next week. Also trying to change the bedrooms around again. When we brought this house we had 5 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms for 6 people for only 6 weeks, next we were down to 2 people for 6 months, 3 people for 4 years with an addition of 1 right in the middle for a school year. Then for 6 months just 2 of us with me having empty nest syndrome. I changed all the rooms so they all worked for my different projects, ebay selling, scrapbooking and quilting with one room for a guest room. They are all coming back - my oldest daughter, Julie (don't know how long she is staying) for the summer, Lauren has already returned will be going to the University of Arizona and Ruthanne (sister of Lauren) for the summer. I also am lucky enough to get my Cindy's kids Samantha and Ryan for a month. I just love it the house will be full again, the way I like it. But I better go back on my meds. I am going to say good night and head for Pogo so I can play games until the sleeping pill takes over. Watch over me Linda!

Linda

The most amazing woman passed away today. She was beautiful and wonderous, she wasn't famous but among her friends she was an anchor. Linda smiled all the time, she had a great laugh and shared it with everyone she met. I was lucky enough to meet her many years ago and was surprised when she wanted to be my friend. I could tell her anything and she told me a lot. I wanted to say everything but as much as we talked I am sure she had her own secrets. When you talked to Linda you felt you were very important and when you hung up or left you felt you were missing something. When my husband and I moved to Arizona, Richard and Linda came to visit and stayed a few days. Even through I started to get tired, I was glad to have her there. Linda had the energy of a child in their terrible 2's. Always moving. She never left the house without looking her best, she loved jewelry and especially shopping for it. Richard always catered to her every want-and I know he loves her very much. Good bye Linda, how am I going to survive without you.

The Day After (Mother's Day)

As mothers we are so very lucky out kids and family love us. I got up at 7 am and took my pills that have to be taken on an empty stomach and crawled back into bed. At about 10 am had to get up because my birds were screaming for someone to let them out. I grabbed a coke and my breakfast shake and headed downstairs were I was blessed with such happiness- the family had left me with all the dishes from the day before. Of Course, the comment I get is 'its not mother's day anymore'. Wow, I am certainly blessed.

I got a email from the cousin I told you had lied to me. In her email she was kind enough to let me know she had never and would never say something like that about one of her grandchildren. My feeling is if you just tell the Bi-Polar piece of shit that they did not hear you correctly it works because obviously we are out of our minds most of the time.

Easlier I was watching 'Dancing with the Stars' what a fiasco. The football player Chad can not dance. The judges keep saying nice things about him and giving him decent scores. What does that say to the dancers who are giving it their all and getting the same scores. Why try if the same score is going to go to a patetic football player. If he wins I will not ever watch that show again because it would have been fixed.

My Lauren is going to be transferring to University of Arizona so she can stay home, and go after her Criminal Justice degree. I am very proud of her. I do keep browbeating her but in the end it is all her. Her mother is next, Julie is going to college in California but I really want her here with me and she can work with John on programming and continue going to college.

That is really all I need to write today or tonite and I appreciate you listening.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is really hard for John and I, we both have lost our mothers in the last few years. Our father's along time ago. We are orphans no matter how old we are, I miss my mom very much and with my younger brother gone also sometimes it is almost unbearable. Her birthday Mother's Day, Christmas and the day she passed are the worst. She was living with me the last year of her life and I totally enjoyed having her there. We talked about so many things and why somethings had happened to us. It answered questions we all have about out parents growing up but never think to ask. She was a wonderful person, very passive but I was trying to teach her to be mean but she was a lovely lady. Definitely a lady.

Mother's Day started out good. I slept in without anyone trying to wake me. My last daughter (first granddaughter) made pancakes for my breakfast and they were great. I watched my favorite movie-Jaws-and then went swimming. The pool was a bit chilly and the wind was coming up. I had my husband turn up the heater on the pool because the weather next week is only going to be in the 80's. I pulled some more weeds and tried to take a nap but I got into the stupidest or dumbest but it sure held my interest. Worked on my quilts and my facebook. My family was cooking me chinese for dinner but it was so spicy I couldn't eat it so I warmed up left overs. I am so sick, I have been poisoned by food.

When I was on facebook today, I discovered a cousin of mine had lied to me. I hate liars-I just took her off my family list. We have such a small family why can't everyone just tell the truth family shouldn't make judgements none of us are prefect especially in my family.

Friday will be my oldest daughters birthday, Julianne will be 40 and it sounds awful. Mothers we must survive getting older. How awful!

I am working on a new quilt and trying to get my next oldest granddaughter to make up her mind on the material. We need 20 different shades of colors for the Jewel Box (type of quilt) and she has picked 2 so far. Class is the week of the 17th so we have to move along, but she is in California and I keep pic texting on my cell phone. It is going to be a long couple of weeks but when it is done I will put it on line.

My First Posting Day

I have been moaning about everything that goes on around us so my husband said I should blog and take my moaning to the world instead of him. I am 60 years old and the world has changed so much I just don't understand why and how come. I was at the grocery store the other day and a young man who was bagging my groceries called me a bitch when I asked him to take my groceries out to my car. It turns out he knew one of my grandchildren but I complained to the manager and the manager suggested I not shop there anymore. What! When my daughter was in high school and worked for a grocery store if she had talked to a customer that way they would have thrown her out head first. What is the world coming too?

When I am driving on highway 10 (I hardly ever drive) drivers like to cut each other off. Why? It is 55 for 10 miles from my home then it goes up to 65 and 75. I have received numerous tickets because of the lights/flashes on the highway so I have decided when I drive I will stay at 55 at least until I leave that area, but other people cut in and out of the 2 lanes it scares me.

Last night when I was in the store the man in front of me (about 19) was packing a gun on his waist. I stood there for a few minutes but I could not stay behind him any longer. I felt like asking him if he had ever seen a friend's face blown off in front of him. In 1994 I watched my friend get 3 gunshots to his face at close range from a man on a motorcycle and when my friend fell into the gutter, the man got off his bike and put 3 more shots into his face. His face was gone.
That is what happens when people fight, they lose controll. Why do we allow people to carry guns, most people are killed with their own guns.

Today was a good day, I got up in a good mood had a bit of a fight with my husband but we moved on and played Scrabble, he cheats. I got somemore pages of my scrapbooking done and finished another part of a quilt I am finishing.